Avert your eyes! For the very brave—or the very foolhardy—I am about to show you the thing that will steal every bit of interest or focus you have, that will suck hours, no days from your life through its sheer fascinating power. You will not put this down to go to the bathroom, or answer the door, or have a conversation with your mother or father, or eat. Remember that film cartridge or whatever it was in Infinite Jest? That's like The Mill on the Floss, compared to this book (no disrespect to Ms. Eliot intended). I'm just trying to warn you. It seems only fair to warn you.

Oh yeah? You're still interested? The book?

Note: These results were observed over a period of two to three weeks following an initial encounter with this book. These results are applicable for a very particular 11-year-old girl. Actual results may vary.