Half-Baked Ideas: The Truth About Vampires and Teenagers

You might need to sit down. I'm serious, I think I may have cracked this thing wide open.

You've probably wondered where the idea of vampires came from. "Perhaps," you thought to yourself, "the idea came because vampires exist." Or maybe you thought: someone saw a bat and thought, "Wait, what if that were a person?"

But I'm here to tell you that the whole vampire myth (or reality!) came from one place: teenagers.

Hear me out (why are you running away?). Consider your 11- or 12-year-old child. Happy. Cheerful. A pain in the ass, maybe (like the rest of us), but recognizable to you. Then one day…everything changes. The child retreats to his room, far from the sun and any contact with you. Where once he woke you up regularly at 6 a.m. (which was, admittedly, a bummer) now he sleeps till 11! Noon! Even later! When he emerges, surly and pale, hungry for meat. Or cornflakes—whatever, let's not quibble. A pervasive aura of gloom covers him, until nightfall. Then, he perks up, energized, wanting to go out into the darkness, to wreak havoc! Or go to the movies (note: also in the dark!).

It all makes sense! All those studies, "Teenagers have different physiological needs, and are at their most productive from the hours of 9pm to 2am." Why did we never fully understand the signs before? They retreat into their dark lairs, and emerge, pale, taller, and sexualized. All that's missing are the capes! And sometimes the capes are even present!

OK: admittedly, I haven't fully figured out where the whole drinking blood, killing, stake in heart aspects come into play. But mark this, oh doubters. When did Bram Stoker write Dracula? 1897. When was his son born? Oh, 1879—so he wrote it when his son was 18 (yes, I can google and add and subtract with the best of them). He had spent the past years researching vampires. Why? Because he was living with one.

Further evidence: consider that other literary masterpiece, Zagazoo.

Image courtesy of StackingBooks.com. Also Quentin Blake, of course.

I have now solved the primary riddle of existence. Now I must eat lunch and work out that whole middle-east thing.

6 thoughts on “Half-Baked Ideas: The Truth About Vampires and Teenagers

  1. I can explain the marks “victims” are trying to hide on their necks. They’re not from fangs, and they’re not from any sort of hair iron, they’re just hickeys from kissers who don’t know better.
    Maybe the blood aspect comes from the anemia some young women experience with their periods? Or am I taking this way to seriously now?


  2. Stake through the heart is clearly a conflation with or transference of what they, I regret to suggest, will do to us (e.g. parents). Or is it what time will do to youthful dreams of romantic abandon? Hmmm… The Diamond in the Window is onto something big! Time to update Diana’s age on the blog?


  3. Heh. My kids have got ways to go before they’re teens, but I often say they have so much energy because they’ve sucked it all out of me. I love ’em (I almost said “to death”), don’t get me wrong, but it is deeply tiring to always be the shepherd dog herding everyone around. So, you know, maybe Bram was thinking about when his son was 3? 😉


  4. This is hilarious. And Quentin Blake should start illustrating vampire YA books. I might actually read some of them for the artwork…


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